Work update.
They moved me at work again. They moved us to the other side of the floor and I no longer sit next to douchenozzle. As Scott said, this guy seemed like good fodder for blog posts. Alas, he is now fodder for someone else. I will share my final douchenozzle story.
The guy is slightly chubby. He has mentioned several times that he is trying to be healthier. A few weeks ago he shared this revelation:
"Dude, I read that if you drink one less soda per day, in a year you lose 15 pounds, so I'm gonna cut back on soda."
Wow, thanks for sharing, professor. First of all, it's not that simple, but you had to actually read something to tell you that soda is bad for you? Using the art of basic arithmetic, let's look at the following:
(150 calories per soda)*(365 days) = (54,750 calories)
(54,750 calories)/(3,500 calories per pound) =
15.6 pounds.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. That's why everyone I know switched to the zero-calorie, diet version of soda a long time ago.
Want to know what he's drinking instead of soda?
120 calories, 33g carbs. Pepsi has 150 calories and 40g carbs. So at least he's saving 30 calories and 7 grams of carbs. Also, it's fat free.
The other day he ate lunch at his desk. He had a "salad." His salad consisted of a pile of iceberg lettuce covered in ranch dressing, shredded cheddar cheese, and croutons. It's salad, though, so it's healthy. I guess the water leaves cancel out the lard sauce.
Alas, he is no longer here to entertain me. Now I sit next to Juanita, the slender black woman. We kind of share a double cubicle. She's cool. She likes talking, though. That's good because I hate talking, but it's also bad because I hate talking. Also, she is under the impression that if one of us leaves to get food it is that person's responsibility to say: "Hey, I'm going to get food, do you want anything?" Sorry, that's not the way I roll. I have learned to never ask such a question because seven people always end up handing me their grocery list. I'm not a damn food courier.
In one area she has impressed me is she doesn't talk about herself. I have figured out that she eats really healthy and works out all the time and she doesn't drink pop. I toss back at least five Diet Pepsis a day and she hasn't said anything about it. Cool. Although it will only take her about 5 seconds to undo my impression. If she ever says anything like: "That pop is giving you cancer," she's goin' down.
She also doesn't know how to play internet. Yesterday she says: "I feel like seeing a movie tonight."
Me: "You feel like seeing a movie on a Monday?"
Her: "Yeah. Is that new Denzel movie out?"
Me: "Who's Denzel?"
(slight pause; for a half second she thinks I might
possibly be actually serious)
Me: "What's it called?"
Her: "I don't know."
(I proceed to play internet for 1.3 seconds)
Me: "It's called Deja Vu. It's not out yet."
Her: "Damn. What about that movie with Will Smith and his
son?"
(internet...1.3 seconds)
Me: "It's called Pursuit of Happyness. Comes out Dec. 15. They probably spelled 'happiness' wrong because black people are bad spellers.*"
Her: "Darn. What's playing then?"
(At this point she is staring over my shoulder. I go to
fandango.com.)
Her: "Fandang-what? What's that?"
Me: "You those commercials they play before every single movie with the talking bags that say 'fandango' repeatedly?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "Ummmm, okay. "
Her: "?"
Me: "So you've seen those commercials with the talking bags that say 'fandango'?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "It's a website. They sell movie tickets. I'm using it to look at movie schedules."
Her: "Oh. Dang. There's nothing I want to see."
Me: "That new Bond movie just came out. That looks good."
Her: "I don't really like James Bond type movies."
Me: "Oh really? I hear Omar Epps is playing James Bond. Also every computer at this company has the same internet. My computer isn't special."
*Okay, so I didn't say that part about black people being bad spellers or Omar Epps playing James Bond.
However, if George-fucking-Clooney had gotten the lead role in Deja Vu instead of Denzel Washington, and they used the exact same script, exact same supporting cast, exact same crew, exact same sets and exact same locations, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be asking me about it. Funny how that works. I'm white so I wouldn't know.
The guy is slightly chubby. He has mentioned several times that he is trying to be healthier. A few weeks ago he shared this revelation:
"Dude, I read that if you drink one less soda per day, in a year you lose 15 pounds, so I'm gonna cut back on soda."
Wow, thanks for sharing, professor. First of all, it's not that simple, but you had to actually read something to tell you that soda is bad for you? Using the art of basic arithmetic, let's look at the following:
(150 calories per soda)*(365 days) = (54,750 calories)
(54,750 calories)/(3,500 calories per pound) =
15.6 pounds.
It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. That's why everyone I know switched to the zero-calorie, diet version of soda a long time ago.
Want to know what he's drinking instead of soda?
120 calories, 33g carbs. Pepsi has 150 calories and 40g carbs. So at least he's saving 30 calories and 7 grams of carbs. Also, it's fat free.
The other day he ate lunch at his desk. He had a "salad." His salad consisted of a pile of iceberg lettuce covered in ranch dressing, shredded cheddar cheese, and croutons. It's salad, though, so it's healthy. I guess the water leaves cancel out the lard sauce.
Alas, he is no longer here to entertain me. Now I sit next to Juanita, the slender black woman. We kind of share a double cubicle. She's cool. She likes talking, though. That's good because I hate talking, but it's also bad because I hate talking. Also, she is under the impression that if one of us leaves to get food it is that person's responsibility to say: "Hey, I'm going to get food, do you want anything?" Sorry, that's not the way I roll. I have learned to never ask such a question because seven people always end up handing me their grocery list. I'm not a damn food courier.
In one area she has impressed me is she doesn't talk about herself. I have figured out that she eats really healthy and works out all the time and she doesn't drink pop. I toss back at least five Diet Pepsis a day and she hasn't said anything about it. Cool. Although it will only take her about 5 seconds to undo my impression. If she ever says anything like: "That pop is giving you cancer," she's goin' down.
She also doesn't know how to play internet. Yesterday she says: "I feel like seeing a movie tonight."
Me: "You feel like seeing a movie on a Monday?"
Her: "Yeah. Is that new Denzel movie out?"
Me: "Who's Denzel?"
(slight pause; for a half second she thinks I might
possibly be actually serious)
Me: "What's it called?"
Her: "I don't know."
(I proceed to play internet for 1.3 seconds)
Me: "It's called Deja Vu. It's not out yet."
Her: "Damn. What about that movie with Will Smith and his
son?"
(internet...1.3 seconds)
Me: "It's called Pursuit of Happyness. Comes out Dec. 15. They probably spelled 'happiness' wrong because black people are bad spellers.*"
Her: "Darn. What's playing then?"
(At this point she is staring over my shoulder. I go to
fandango.com.)
Her: "Fandang-what? What's that?"
Me: "You those commercials they play before every single movie with the talking bags that say 'fandango' repeatedly?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "Ummmm, okay. "
Her: "?"
Me: "So you've seen those commercials with the talking bags that say 'fandango'?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "It's a website. They sell movie tickets. I'm using it to look at movie schedules."
Her: "Oh. Dang. There's nothing I want to see."
Me: "That new Bond movie just came out. That looks good."
Her: "I don't really like James Bond type movies."
Me: "Oh really? I hear Omar Epps is playing James Bond. Also every computer at this company has the same internet. My computer isn't special."
*Okay, so I didn't say that part about black people being bad spellers or Omar Epps playing James Bond.
However, if George-fucking-Clooney had gotten the lead role in Deja Vu instead of Denzel Washington, and they used the exact same script, exact same supporting cast, exact same crew, exact same sets and exact same locations, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be asking me about it. Funny how that works. I'm white so I wouldn't know.
posted by Brick at 7:52 AM
3 Comments:
BRICK!
DADDY!
Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I've been away from the blog dealing with my family for the past six days. It's good to see you came back.
Are you going to tell us how dealing with the family went? Were you at the Brick household or the Mrs. Brick household?
Post a Comment
<< Home